Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
your ass, you ugly cunt."
When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
your play can go fuck yourselves."
At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
- -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon